Catharsis
by llioncourt30
Summary: Spike's emotions take a turn for the worse.
1. Default Chapter

Catharsis: Welcome to the Human Race

  
A/N Hey, in a moment of pure idiocy, I took this down to make improvements on it, but decided against it. So I lost my precious reviews. 'genuine tear slowly falls down my cheek' Anyway I will update soon and I will put all of these chapters back up.   


I Can't Get No Satisfaction

Spike couldn't sleep. It had been four hours since he went to bed and he just lay there.

Awake.

Starring at the clock. Two-seventeen, two-eighteen, two-nineteen.

He even counted the seconds. Fifty-seven, fifty-eight, fifty-nine, two-twenty.

Oh, God, he needed to sleep. This was so unlike him. He could sleep through a hurricane. In fact he had slept through a hurricane and it was some of the best sleep of his life.

Sigh.

He knew what to do; he just had to not think about anything. Yeah, that would work. Yeah.

So Spike lay there, thinking of nothing.

And nothing happened.

Damn it all to hell!

What was it about this day that made him so uncomfortable, so unwilling to lose consciousness, so damned …desperate? He hated that feeling. The feeling of needing; the feeling of being at another's mercy, the feeling of bending to another's will.

Spike never felt that way. That was his thing. He was never subject to anyone else. He had his own power to do what he wanted, when he wanted. If he felt like leaving the ship and almost get killed, he would do it. Whatever happened would be his problem and his problem alone. It was his choice and he enjoyed the feeling of making it. He liked his carefree attitude, his nonchalance that made everyone else so uncomfortable. People's uncertainty as to what it was he would do next allowed him to take complete control of a situation; it allowed him to have power.

But now he was impotent.

All he felt was a need, a depressing and nagging need to be with someone. To know that that someone wanted to be with him. He had to satisfy it and that fact disgusted him.

She was like a drug that only had you jonesing for one day, but that day was the worst day of your like if you didn't get satisfaction. She always had that affect on him. She made him stop being himself and turned him into something new, something better. But that feeling would always go away, leaving him craving for more. It happened less and less since they had been separated but every once in a while he would feel that craving creep up on him. Like she had never left.

So Spike found himself doing very odd things. Things he'd rather not say out loud.

And when Spike found himself standing in front of Faye's door, starring at. He knew he was going to do another one of those things.

With a deep, deep sigh; Spike slowly turned the doorknob and entered her room.

He slowly crept across her room towards her bed. He stumbled over something, 'Shit. Not exactly Bruce Lee, Spike.' That was when he heard very distinctive click from a gun.

"What the hell do you think your doing?" Faye asked very calmly as she pointed a gun at his head.


	2. I Repeat

Catharsis : Welcome to the Human Race

I Repeat. This Is Not Payment For Sex

"Hey Faye, how are doing?" He asked quietly. 'I guess my plan the silently creep into her bed wasn't going to work after all.' He thought to himself.

"Oh, I doing just fine, now what the hell are you doing?" She asked again just as calmly.

"Uh, uh. Well, it's a long story, but uh, I need to ask you a favour Faye. It's really important." Spike said all of a sudden feeling very vulnerable. There it is again, that horrible feeling of needing something from someone. And this time that someone was Faye.

That thought was unappealing enough for Spike that he decided that he didn't need that favour from Faye so much anymore.

"Well you piqued my curiosity, spit it out."

"Humph, you know what Faye, never mind I wouldn't expect a heartless shrew like you to understand anyway." He said turning away.

CLICK. There it was again. That damn gun. He knowing she would shot at him if he kept and walking. Damn Faye.

"Spike, its okay. Open up, I'm here for you." She said sarcastically, laughing just a little.

"Shut up, Faye." Spike hissed through clinched teeth not bothering to turn around.

"Now is that any way to talk to a person your asking a favour from." She said with a slight tinge of condescension.

Spike turned around, closed his eyes and said "Alright Faye, I need to sleep with you." He opened one eye slightly to see the expression on her face. Her confident expression melted and she looked stupefied. Or maybe she was insulted, he couldn't tell. Spike knew that what he had to say would probably frighten her. And deep down inside he knew that he had purposely said it the way he did just so he could wipe that smug look off her face.

"Uh, well wait a second. I don't mean sleep with you in the non-literally sleazy sense. I just need to sleep in your bed while you're in it."

Faye's eyebrows flew in opposite directions. "Why?"

"It's a long story Faye. I just, I need to get into bed with you."

She looked at him for a second. Wondering if he was playing a trick on her. That had to be the weirdest thing she had ever heard in her life. 'I need to sleep with you but I don't want to sleep with you.' What the hell did that mean anyway? She looked at his eyes, why were they closed? Maybe he really did mean it. 'I need'. She had never heard him say anything like 'I need' before and so politely, or polite for Spike anyway. Usually Spike would just take what he wanted. On occasion she may have heard, 'I'm going to take this', sure. He may have even let her know that I had taken something after he was finished with it, returning in an atrocious state. But that was not the Spike that standing in the middle of her room, shrouded by the shadows of night; the Spike whom she was unceremoniously pointing her gun at. No, this was a very different Spike.

Then Faye's mind snapped out of its contemplation. Well, if he 'needs' this, then he should pay for it.

"Well, Spike you'll be happy to hear that I am willing to consider your request. But first we need to negotiate for some form of monetary compensation." She said with a wry smile lowering the gun.

'Same old Faye, wouldn't change her for the world.' "Isn't that what it always come down to with you Faye? What do you have in mind?" Spike said, not wanting to show that her that he was relieved that she was 'willing to consider his request'.

"What'd ya bring?"

"All I got is three packs of cigarettes."

She looked at him with confusion on her face. "Spike you only brought 3 packs of cigarettes?" Then her expression changed and her smile came back. "Come on Spike, don't play with me."

"Alright, alright. All I got is five thousand woolongs. Really."

"That's not so bad. Where is it?"

"Right here" He pulled it out of his pocket.

She grabbed it and counted it. "I'll take the cigarettes too." She added, putting away the money into her dresser.

He handed them over.

"Well Spike. Today's your lucky day. But I just want to get one thing straight. I am not a whore. This is not payment for sex. You cannot fuck me. Okay."

"Whatever Faye." He said with a sigh as he made his way to the opposite side of her bed.

"And if there was the slightest, most minute possibility that we would ever find ourselves in a situation where fucking was an option. Absolutely no money would be involved."

"Right, whatever Faye." He said rolling his eyes and sliding to the empty spot to her left.

"Good. Goodnight."


	3. Symptom Unknown

Catharsis : Welcome to the Human Race

Symptom Unknown

With that they both turned their backs to each other lying on their sides.  They lay there unable to sleep.  Faye was wondering why he was there and Spike was thinking he might need more from Faye.  A lot more.

So he turned toward her and placed his arm around her waist.  Faye's eyes widened and than narrowed; her left eye began to twitch.  'Oh boy, what is he doing now?'  She thought to herself.  He shifted himself so he was closer to her.  Faye let out a loud angry sigh.  Maybe he was pushing her to see how far she would go.  'What the hell did he think he was doing, she already told him she wasn't going to fuck him.

Faye wasn't mad that Spike had over stepped the boundary between himself and Faye.  She wasn't mad that he had touched her without her permission, an offence punishable with death.  She wasn't even mad that Spike had ignored her protests.  No, what pissed off Faye was that he thought he could do that for five thousand woolongs.  That ass.

She made another loud noise, trying to communicate her discomfort without actually having to make a scene.  The fact that Spike Speigel had decided to spoon with her …She couldn't believe she was thinking this and she was in utter shock that it was actually happening … was horrifying enough.

Spike knew she was shocked that he was cuddling with her.  Shit, he was kind of shocked himself, but he was a desperate man and these were desperate times.  He needed someone, anyone to show him some affection.  God, he hated himself right now.  It was bad enough that he had to lose his cool, disinterested façade he had, but now he had to do it in front of Faye. 

But at least she smelled nice.  It was something he couldn't place, something ordinary but nice, like a nice day outside or freshly clean clothes hung outside to dry.  Like she was familiar and good.  It was… nice.  He inhaled again. 

Julia didn't smell like that, her scent came from a perfume she purchased at some fancy French store.  He had love that smell.  Actually, he hated it.  Julia sprayed it on a piece of paper for him at the store to sample it and he had thought it stunk.  He crinkled his face to show his disapproval.  She smiled and shook her head.  She sprayed it on her wrist and asked him to smell again, he obliged and he closed his eyes and drew in the scent with an intake of breath.  Slowly a smile appeared on his face. He loved that smell.

They lay there; both unwilling to move or say anything.  Faye's thought, 'I am never going to sleep if I don't do something about this.'  It was at that inopportune moment that Spike decided to tighten his grip around Faye waist and move his head closer to hers.  He ended up with his mouth just behind her ear.  Slowly, worry crept on Faye's face.  She had to do something.   She could feel his hot breath on her ear and it was making her think things she knew she shouldn't be thinking.  Things like 'don't ever stop doing that'.  Oh, this definitely had to stop.

She turned around so that she was facing him and was surprised to find him starring at her.  They looked at each other; he still had his arm around her.  'This is only going to get worse' she thought.  She didn't want to look into his eyes but she knew she couldn't talk to him until she did.  And she needed to talk to him. 

So she starred at his lips instead.  They were thin and his mouth was long.  'He has a big mouth', she thought and stifled the loud laugh that threatened to burst out of her.  She avoided his eyes and moved her own to his hair.  It was so wild; 'a little hair gel would do him some good' she thought and unconsciously reached up to touch it.  It was soft, some how that surprised her.  Her eyes squinted slightly and as she thought 'he better not be using my conditioner'.  She stifled another laugh. 

Such silly thoughts for such an awkward moment.

Then she mustered up the courage to look him in his eyes.  One of his eyes reflected no emotion but the other made her heart fall when she looked.  There was so much pain and vulnerability there.  She wanted to look away but the same thing that frightened her also drew her in.  That was when she realized that he wasn't joking.  He really was in need. 

Spike watched patiently as her eyes roamed over his face.  This is what he wanted, what he needed.  He felt a wave of relief wash over him like he had just injected himself was some narcotic.  He felt euphoric for a second like Julia wasn't really missing, like she had just magically appeared in his arms and she would never leave him again.  It was in this state of euphoria that Spike unconsciously moved towards Faye to place a kiss on her lips.

Faye was knocked out of her reverie of Spikes eyes by the fact that they were steadily moving closer to her.  ;This is all wrong;, she thought and said, "What the hell is this about?"

With those words Spike felt his body drain.  He felt confused for a little while, he did not know where he was, and his eyes couldn't focus.  He squinted hoping his mind would be able to decipher the blurred image his eyes were displaying. 

Faye? 

Faye. 

He turned to lie on his back remembering the question she had asked.  He simply replied, "I'd rather not say."

A/N : Title from Maxwell


	4. Kiss me on my neck

Catharsis: Welcome to the Human Race

Kiss me on my Neck 

She looked at him.  Trying to see if his face would reveal his thoughts.  Sensing her stare, he looked back at her and they starred at each other for a while.  Finally he said. 

"It's Julia."

Faye winced.  Nothing good ever came for him saying that name.  "What about her?"  she asked, trying not to show the dread she knew she was feeling way down in the pit of her stomach.  Faye didn't know Julia.  She had only heard about her from Gren and Jet.  All she really knew was that Spike, the man who barely cared for his own body had loved her.  She must have been an amazing woman if Spike had cared for her; or at least if Spike had cared and had bothered to show it.  She was still looking at his face but not at his eyes any longer.  She all of a sudden felt uncomfortable, which is weird because Spike had been in her bed for almost twenty minutes now.  But she wanted to know why he had come to her, so she pushed all other thoughts aside and concentrated on his mouth, starring at it willing it to continue its story.

"Today is the anniversary of the first time we met.  The first day of the rest of my life."

"You see Faye, every now and then I get this urge to be with someone.  I have a need to touch… feel a woman next to me."  He turned his head back towards her and starred intently into her eyes.  He wanted her look into his but she kept hers on his mouth.  He needed recognition from her, some form of sign that she understood.  But he got nothing so he turned away again starring at the ceiling. 

"Oh."  That was all she could say and even that was just a whisper.  She would have felt angry for being used like a blow up doll, but she was too stunned, no too confused for that.  She had discovered more about Spike in the last half hour in bed with him than she had in the previous nine months living with him on this ship.  He had finally bestowed her with some form of knowledge of himself, and the fucked up part about it was that she had actually understood him; this man, this crazy schizophrenic man.  The guy who willingly chased after psychopaths just because he was bored, the guy who could sleep all day and still manage to know exactly what had transpired in the last 24 hours on that ship.  She understood him; she understood exactly what he was saying.  Spike wanted to feel loved.  Well Spike, welcome to the human race.

Spike decided to continue, he felt that he needed to let her know, he owned her at least that much.  "Julia was so special.  We had this unconventional relationship.  It seemed like she was the only one that would put up with my bullshit.  And we never yelled at each other we would have discussions, calm discussion."  Spike snickered, as he said everything that came to mind about his relationship with Julia.  Jumbles of emotions were all fighting for dominance in his head.  "Her touch would send shivers up my spine like her hands were made of ice, but that was the thing about it, her hands were always warm.  It was always like that with her, always extremes."  He closed his eyes and he bit his lip imagining her touching him, and that was when he felt Faye fingers on his lips.  He eyes flew open and he starred at her.  He saw that she had understood everything he had said.  And Spike wondered if she had lost someone herself, his eyes narrowed when he remembered that she had, she had lost her entire family, her entire life. 

Spike suddenly summoned up the courage to ask Faye for what he wanted when he first came into her room.  He wanted real intimacy, or at least as real as he could get it considering the circumstances.  He desperately wanted to feel Faye; he wanted his lips on her, his hands all over her, to feel her underneath him.  Anything she could give him would be fine; he would take it and be grateful.

"Faye, could I kiss you.  I mean if you uncomfortable with that then I would understand.  You don't have to do anything your uncomfortable with."

Faye considered his request.  She thought back to their first discussion they had had that night that had brought him into her bed.  She had a slight smile on her face.  She thought, maybe she should get him to pay for that too.  Instead she slowly nodded her head in ascension.


	5. Love

Catharsis: Welcome to the Human Race Love 

Faye felt something but she wasn't sure what it was.  It was a vaguely familiar felling like something you might recognize after smelling a familiar scent.  All of a sudden Faye realized that she needed to kiss him as much as he needed to kiss her.  It was something she didn't know she was missing but now that she did knew she couldn't live without it.  So she drew up her hand and softly placed it behind his head.  She ran her fingers through the hair at this base and puller herself closer to him.

They looked at each other; neither of them would have thought that they would ever end up like this, in bed together, just about to kiss.  But here they were, looking at each other as if they were long lost lovers.  This was wrong on so many levels but it felt right on so many more.  Spike reached to put his hand around her and pulled her closer to him they suddenly fit together like a jigsaw puzzle.  All their arguments meant nothing.

They both lay there, starring at each others eyes, faces two inches apart, waiting to finally feel comfort in each other's arms and nothing happened.  They didn't feel uncomfortable.  They weren't sure what it was; they just couldn't kiss each other. 

'Why is this so difficult', Spike thought to himself.  Five seconds ago all he could think about was devouring Faye and now he couldn't get any closer to her. 

Faye was once again focused on his mouth.  How did she get in this situation?  In Spike's arms this close to his face, ready to plant one on him; this was beyond bizarre, it was twilight zone territory.  Suddenly she blurted out, "You know it wouldn't have killed you to use a mint before you came here."  'Where did that come from' she thought.  She was sure he would get up and leave now, here he was in pain and she insulted his breath.  After all, all breath wasn't that bad.  It smelled mostly of cigarettes, to a smoker not such a bad smell.  It was just that she couldn't think of anything else to say or to do.  Slowly his mouth changed, it developed into a … smirk?

'Same old Faye, wouldn't change her for the world.' Spike thought.  She smiled back at him and it was then that Spike suddenly lounged for her mouth, pressing his lips on hers hard as if he were trying to suck the live out of her, and in a way he was.  She let out a soft moan when she felt his lips on hers and it spurred him on.  He pressed her against him; he wanted to envelope her to make himself whole again.  He ran his tongue along her teeth and tried to force it into her mouth, he need to feel their tongues touch.  He wanted everything at once; he needed to feel so badly. 

Faye couldn't breathe; it was both their faults.  He was suffocating her physically and she was suffocating herself mentally.  She wouldn't allow herself to breath; she didn't want to shatter the moment with another one of her comments.  She didn't want to ruin everything like she had in the past.  She didn't want to be left alone again and she didn't want it to be her fault.  She had ruined so many things in her life; she desperately did not want to ruin this.  She simply didn't want Spike to leave her so she did nothing and allowed him to do everything to her. 

And he did.  His mouth bruised her lips, his hands left finger shaped engravings on her back, his nails cut into her flesh, his arms threatened to break her into two, his tongue felt as if it were going to pull her last breath from her body.  She felt helpless but she loved every minute of it, she thought this must be what it feels like to be in love.


	6. Feeling the Same Way

Catharsis: Welcome to the Human Race

Feeling the Same Way

Spike pulled away suddenly when he finally realized that she wasn't responding to him. No, he thought to himself, this is all wrong. A sudden flash of anger rose within him and quickly subsided. It wasn't her fault.

"Faye, are you okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You weren't moving."

"I… I wasn't?"

"If this is too much for you then…"

"No," she cut in, "I'm okay"

"Faye," he paused not sure if his next request was too much, "I need you to kiss me back."

Faye simply responded "of course."

Spike leaned in to kiss her again, but this time it was gentler, he didn't want to push Faye and make her shut down again. He couldn't help it before but now would be different. Softly he placed his lips on hers and immediately felt a reaction from Faye.

They kissed for what seemed like hours. Spike felt euphoric again, he was finally starting to feel fulfilment. Their tongues played with each other twining and running along each other. It felt so good. Spike's hands ran along her back trying to soothe the bruises that he knew he had left only moments ago. He loved the feeling of her muscles tensing and relaxing under his hands as she breathed in deeply.

Faye still couldn't believe that this was happening, but it was so real and so good. She thrust her tongue into Spikes mouth, he was moving too slow, and she all of a sudden needed him desperately.

Only he could bring such emotions out of her. One minute she was insulting him, next she was absolutely captivated by him and then she was scarred of him and then she couldn't think of anything else but touching him. Faye arched her back when she felt him touch the tender spots on her back.

Faye had started to feel as if she was being possessed by some other part of her consciousness; a part she had long ignored; a part of her she had banished a long time ago concluding that it was useless and sentimental. But now it caused a need within her; one that she had felt before upon usually when she was looking at other people with their children or their spouses. She had always experienced a hollow sensation in the pit of her stomach upon seeing their happy faces as they shared sweet moments together. Faye had been constantly reminded that she had no such memories. That she had possessed them at one point but now they were lost forever in the deep dark recess of her frozen mind.

Somehow being with Spike right now had slightly stemmed the ache in her stomach. To her surprise kissing him had actually made her feel like the past didn't matter and that now, this moment, was all that was important.

But to Faye's dismay Spike had chosen that moment to suddenly pulled away from their embrace. Faye's eyebrows furrowed with confusion and she let out a deep breath. Spike's face was blank and she couldn't figure out why he had stopped. Had he changed his mind, had she done something to upset him?

Oh God, he was maddening; this was maddening. 'What the hell were they doing anyway?' she thought. She was ready to go into a tirade about how they hated each other and they always would and that this was by far the most perverted thing she had ever done. That was when she saw that his expression changed. He was worried, maybe he was thinking the same thing she was.

A/N : Title by Lee Alexander


	7. Barely Recognizable

Catharsis: Welcome to the Human Race

Barely Recognizable: Not About to Lose

"Tell me more about her," Faye asked tentatively. She wasn't sure what she was getting herself into or rather what she had already gotten herself into.

Spike had rolled over and was facing away from Faye. His face displayed the conflicted feelings and inner torment that he was experiencing inside his head. What had possessed him to come to her, impose himself on her, expose himself to her?

"She must have been beautiful. Tell me, was she? Beautiful I mean. She must have been." Faye was very uncomfortable with the silence. She didn't know what was going on in his head. Was he mad, was he happy, was this what he wanted?

To Spike, Faye's voice was infuriating, it pulled on his ears and made want to moan out loud. Why won't she just _shut up_? Her ranting was akin to the screams of a banshee. Spike pulled his hand through his unkempt hair hoping that the pain it caused would dull the sound of her nauseating voice. His other hand was balled into a fist as he clutched the thin bed sheet on Faye bed. White and red appeared and disappeared along hand as he desperately tried to keep it from flying over to strike Faye.

"You must have loved her very much. I mean, I've never seen you like this before, so open." Faye was desperate to get back in touch with him. She wanted him to tell her that everything was going to be okay and tell her to go to sleep, that they would talk in the morning. But he hadn't made a said a word to comfort her, or turned to her, or talked to her. All she wanted was an explanation, something that would allow her to make sense of this night.

Spike felt a sudden anger rise within him. It filled his head with sudden and irrational thoughts.

"You want to know about her?" Spike words startled Faye; they were so clear and loud. His words surprised himself; he didn't know that he was going to speak. The words came out all on their own.

Spike's mouth was dry and his lips parched. Before he spoke he had to drag his tongue off the roof of his mouth.

He slowly turned around and his eyes took in a bewildered Faye. He made sure that his physical presence imposed on Faye's sense of personal space. He wanted to smother her in every way possible.

"You want to know about her?" He asked again. "What do you want to know, huh? How your nothing like her, how you will never be anything like her?"

"How a thousand of you" Spike face darted towards Faye and his words came out like the hiss of a snake, "wouldn't ever make one of her?"

Air quickly passed through Spike's nose as he laughed. "I don't even know why I came here. YOU MAKE ME SICK." He pronounced every word slowly, pummelling her with them. The last word came out like a hiss, barely recognizable.

A/N- I couldn't choose between titles, so I just put both up. Thanks for reading.

Second title by Ron Sexsmith.


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